Questions about getting a man to commitment to a relationship come up often. Questions such as will he ever commit or when will we get married come up in everyday relationship conversation. The common perception is that men are afraid of commitment. That they are not willing to commit to one woman and that marriage is something that they have to be trapped into.
I’m sure there are men out there who never want to get married for whatever reason. It seems to be common that when the question of marriage comes up in a relationship the man is usually the hold out. This is not always the case as I know plenty of women who don’t want to get married or were the hold out when the question of marriage came up in their relationship. However, the common misconception is that men have something against commitment and marriage.
He Wants to Commit
Most men don’t have a problem with commitment. Nor do they have a problem with getting married. What they are holding out for is the right person. Women and men often look at marriage from different vantage points and have different considerations.
For many women, especially women over the age of 30, marriage becomes a race against the clock. They know that if they want to eventually have children that they have a limited window of time to conceive a child.
They also know that the risk of health problems for the child and themselves increases as they get older. In addition, many women have been planning their family life out from the time they were teenagers. They have mental images of what their husband will look like and act like. What their wedding will be like. What their children will look like and act like. They also have images of when all of these events will take place.
For men, they occasionally image what a wedding would be like and what their family might look like but these images come and go in passing. Almost unconsciously. These images come because marriage and building a family are something men eventually want but the exact details of who and when are usually not as mapped out. Men don’t have the same biological concerns so as they get older they have the freedom to wait until they find someone who they feel will truly make a good life partner.
Men are not Afraid of Commitment
They are just not as attached to the idea of being committed to a particular person or at a particular stage in their lives. Getting married is something that can happen when they are in their twenties, thirties and even fourties without any series consquences. Our social norms support the idea that women typically seek out men who are their age or older and men typically seek out women who are their age or younger. This allows men much more time to make a decision and to not be as concerned with the idea of the biological clock. Since they can usually find a younger woman who is willing to have children with them the need to get married due to age is less important.
Gauging His Interest in Marriage
Marriage and family is just as important to men as it is to women. Men want all of the things that marriage brings. Companionship, love, commitment, family, security, and much more. Men just are more willing to wait until they find the right person and the right circumstances. Because there is a lack or urgency for men to get married, if a woman wants to get married and the man she is with is not ready, there is no harm in telling him that she is ready to get married.
However, if he tells her that he is not ready, constant and frequent reminders of her desire to get married will not make him want to get married more. Trying to convince him that his reasons for not wanting to get married right now or not at all will not help either. If anything, this sort of behavior is likely to cause him to pull even further away from the idea of getting marriage, not move closer to it. If he feels like his feelings about getting married are not being respected this will likely make him even more concerned about the idea of marriage.
Getting Him to Commit
Usually men want to come to the conclusion that they are ready to get married on their on. They want to make this decision without pressure or judgment. However every man is different. You might get advice from your friend or family member about how to get him to commit but the truth is every man is not the same and will not always respond the same way to your actions.
Just because something work for your friend doesn’t mean it will work for you.
If your friend was dating a guy and she was able to get him to commit to marriage by giving him an ultimatum of getting married or breaking up, the same strategy might not work with another guy. If you are with someone and he is not ready to get married and you give him an ultimatum he might take you up on your offer and decide to exit the relationship.
Using Dangerous Tools
From a woman point of view, if having children is a priority than considering your biological clock is a big factor. It obviously doesn’t make since to just marry anyone just to be able to have children but if you have found someone that you like and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with than getting married sooner rather than later makes since. Although he might not have the same biological considerations he likely wants to get married too. The hard question you need to get the answer to is does he want to marry you.
Ultimatums should be used very sparingly, if ever. They should only be used when you have truly reached the end of your rope and don’t want to wait any longer for him to make up his mind. At this point you should be truly ready to break up if he doesn’t come around to the idea of getting married. If you are really at this point then providing the ultimatum as a last resort is probably the best decision to make. Sometimes it might take him realizing that he might lose you to get him to put his priorities in perspective. Just don’t bet the house if you can’t afford to lose it.