This is a bit of truth that I am personally a bit apprehensive to admit. It makes me feel exposed. I will also be putting most other guys on blast because they feel the same way. Whether they will be honest about it or not is a different question. As a man you want to project confidence and strength. You want to be the alpha male who isn’t afraid of anything and runs full speed into obstacles. Most guys feel the need to be the type of guy who bends steel, wrestles sharks, eats nails, slays dragons; you get the idea. In addition to this, every guy wants to be a ladies man. However, Beyoncé was right, girls truly do run the world. They can make men do just about anything if they go about it the right way. Everyone knows the type of woman I am talking about. She gets what she wants from men and get away with everything.
Men know that woman want a strong and confident man. Unfortunately, men are humans so they are not always strong and not always confident. Some men are certainly more confident than others but regardless of the man every single one has weaknesses. Sometimes the guys who project the most strength do so because they are the weakest inside and are in constant fear that someone will realize how weak they really are so they hide their incredible insecurity by surrounding themselves in a minefield of toughness. They are like the dog who runs up to the fence and barks at everything that comes near it, hoping that will be enough to prevent anyone from actually challenging it.
This all relates to woman because approaching woman is something most guys really struggle with yet really want to be successful at. For most guys, acquiring the skills necessary to effectively talk to women takes time and lots of practice and strategy. Women see a guys walk up to them and think it was a spur of the moment thing. That in an instant he saw her and decided to walk over to spark up a conversation. In reality, it’s more like planning an expedition into unchartered territory. If he goes in without first assessing the terrain, the current inhabitants, and the situation, he might get lucky and survive but more likely than not he will end up naked and afraid, and not in a good way.
Let me break down a typical scenario guys face when trying to approach a woman. There are so many variables to consider. If she is alone, is she waiting for someone? Is this someone a guy or another girl and is this person just a friend or more than that? If she is in a group things become more complicated because not only does he have to engage her but he has to engage her entire group too in order to get into a conversations with her. The bigger the group the harder it is to break into it. So he has to strategize and come up with an approach. Does she have a ring on her ring finger, in other words, is she married? What will he say? How will he get into a conversation with her and gauge her interest without getting boxed out by one of her friends?
This is a delicate maneuver because when he first approaches a group they may not be sure which one of them he is interested in. He can’t just talk to her and ignore her friends otherwise they will think he’s rude and at that moment her friends can kill the whole situation if they choose to. However, if he gets caught in a conversation with the wrong woman too long making a transition to the one he is interested in can be challenging, especially if the friend he is speaking to is obviously interested in him. It’s a complicated process.
The rejection piece become especially tough because before approaching her, he has no idea whether he is walking into friendly or hostile territory. He has to get comfortable with all the possible responses he might get from her. Everything from a polite “sorry but I’m in a relationship” to “get the f%^k away from me, creep!” If she is in a group that means not only do you have to deal with the rejection of her but also the public rejection in front of all of her friends. In a perfect world no one would care about what others think about them but lets be honest, we all care about what others think to some degree and it doesn’t feel good to be rejected.
Unfortunately, if he wants to have a relationship he doesn’t have much of a choice. He has to figure out a way to be ok with these possibilities and forge forward regardless. He either hunts and eats or doesn’t hunt and starves to death, metaphorically. Every guy has a threshold for how much rejection they can handle over a period of time. Once that threshold is met they likely will need to withdraw to their cave and recover for a bit until they can go back out on the hunt.
Every guy deal with this differently. Some guys are so terrified by the thought of being rejected that they never build up the thick skin it take to continue approaching woman until they find a match. These are the guys who will like a woman but will not ask her out or even flirt for fear of being rejected. These guys are also usually the most lonely unless they posses a certain quality that makes woman want to approach them. I’m not sure exactly what that quality is but I have met a few shy guys who have relationships but only because woman approach them. But of course, this is rare.
One the other end of the spectrum you have the guys who aren’t easily deterred by much. These are the guys who have been so successful with woman that they expect to have a pleasant interaction so they aren’t as worried about being rejected. This group also includes the guys who have egos that are so big that rejection bounces off of them like bullets off of Superman. These are the Kanye West’s of the dating world. Egos of steel. They might not be as successful but they don’t let much bruise their ego. However, even these guys have a weakness. A Kryptonite so to speak, that will bring them to their knees. Some women are really good at spotting that weakness and exploiting it, so even these guys have some caution in their step, be it a small amount.
The middle, as it is with most situation, is where most men live. They know they want a woman in their lives but they also know how difficult it can be to always say the right thing and do the right thing to attract her and keep her interested. Approaching a woman can be one of the most stressful situation because he’s just not sure how she will receive him. Does she feel the same way and is she glad that he approached her and said something or is she just waiting for the moment for him to go away so she can go back to what she was doing before.
Before he approaches he has no idea but he has to put himself in this vulnerable position again and again until he finds someone who feels the same way about him as he does about her. Over time and with practice most men get better and better at gauging a woman’s interest, knowing the type of things to say and do to increase his chances. They also build up enough thick skin and comfort with the process that they can go do what they need to do in order to find someone. However, the fear never goes away. As much as he tries to hide it, bury it, and pretend everything is cool. It’s always their in the back of his mind. He just has to gets used to it.