How do I know if he is really into me? This is the six million dollar question every woman wants the answer to. There have been books written on this topic and movie produced based on those books. It’s the topic of daytime TV talk shows and the plot of many TV sitcoms and dramas.
It’s such a popular question, so there must be a serious disconnect between the signals men give off about their level of interest or disinterest and the way those signals are being interpreted by women. You would think a question as simple as “does this person like me or not” would be straight forward and easy to figure out but for many women it is not.
One important reason for this is that people in general aren’t very comfortable about being direct. Often when they are direct they aren’t honest about what they really feel when asked a question or about what they really want to know when they ask a question.
Most of us are taught to be pleasers. To not hurt others feelings. On the flip side we are also taught to not be annoying or intrusive with probing questions.
Beating Around the Bush
This is often why people don’t provide complete answers to questions or hints that request information if they think the answer will not be received well. It is also why most people don’t tend to ask questions that directly speak to what they really want to know.
Being direct can be hard. For a man being asked by a woman if he is interested in her, this question can be one of the most difficult or the easier question to answer depending on the circumstances.
When it’s Difficult
It can be difficult if he is interested yet is concerned about appearing too interested so he might try to down play how interested he really is.
Yes, men worry about this.
He doesn’t want to scare her away by seeming too eager so he may opt for playing it cool and appearing indifferent because he doesn’t know how best to act.
It can also be difficult if he isn’t interested but doesn’t want to hurt her feeling by telling her he’s just not into her. Although I think it’s always a best practice to be upfront an honest but dealing with the potential of a serve emotional outburst is often enough to make a man avoid answering the question altogether. Or even worse, he might tell her he is interested and then just disappear once she is out of sight to avoid the aftermath.
When it’s Easy
It can be easy to answer if he actually is interested and thinks she is interested in him too. If he is secure in himself and doesn’t feel the need to pretend he is indifferent this can be one of the most exciting moments for him.
One that he has been thinking about for a while. If he is interested he most likely has been wondering if the feeling is mutual. He may be eager to tell her how interested he is and this provide a good opportunity to express that.
What is Really Involved
The truth is that finding out if someone is into you can be much more complicated than just asking them. You may have come here to find a silver bullet, one size fits all solution for figuring out if he is into you or not.
Sadly, I must tell you that one doesn’t exist.
This is because like women, all men are different. They have different personalities and different approaches. There are common themes to make the process of knowing whether he is into you much easier though. However, there are also certain guys that make even assessing the common themes more challenging.
Let me explain a few of the different types of men that may exhibit confusion behavior.
This type of guy is the most difficult to figure out. Usually because he doesn’t really know what he wants. This is the type of guy who constantly give mixed signals. He will seems really interested one week and will call and text frequently. He will always want to hang out. Then he will pull away and make the person he is dating seem clingy for expecting the pace that he set for the relationship to continue.
When he says he wants to be with you he really means it at that moment. The problem is he doesn’t take into account the fact that he often changes his mind and in a month or so he might feel very differently about you even if you haven’t changed any aspect of your behavior. This guy requires the most time to figure out what he wants and may take the person he is with on an emotional roller coaster ride before he reaches a lasting conclusion.
The Shy Guy
This guy is very unsure of himself. It is often thought that if a guy is interested in a women he will say something and if he doesn’t than he’s not interested. Not so with the shy guy. As I mentioned in a previous post, in general men a terrified of rejection, but the shy guy takes this fear to another level.
He is so terrified that he will often no even approach a woman he is interested in or even give the slightest signal of interest for fear that his signal will be faced with rejection. He will even take it as far a turning down an invitation from his love interest because the thought of messing things up overwhelms him. This is not a very productive mindset for finding love but it is his mindset nonetheless.
This guy is always trying to figure out what the perfect thing to say and do is in any given moment. He over analyzes his actions and words before hand to predict the reaction. He wants things to work out perfectly so he thinks if he plans enough ahead of time he will be able to avoid any unwanted consequences.
He not only over analyzes his actions and words but he also over analyzes the words of the person he is dating. He will hang on every word and every action and try to associate some sort of meaning to it. His moves are well thought out, planned and calculated so don’t expect too much spontaneity from this fellow.
He is challenging to figure out because instead of doing what he feels in the moments he waits for what he considers the best time to do a particular thing such as ask someone out or tell them he loves them. He takes practical to a whole new level.
This guy is by far the most dangerous. He is the type of person that will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear because he likes the attention he gets in return. He likes making you smile and making you tell him how into him you are. Unfortunately, he’s not really into you.
He will express his love for you and tell you how much he wants to be with you. It makes him feel good to make these expression of love. It makes him feel good to see you light up and to express back to him how much you love him.
However he has no intention of creating a relationship or sticking around very long. He is a narcissist so your feelings and how what he is doing will effect you isn’t something he considers. This guy is often red hot and then ice cold. He loves you on Tuesday, thinks you need to take a break on Wednesday and is back to loving you on Thursday.
The Narcissist vs The Phantom
The actions of the Narcissist and that of the Phantom may seem similar at first glance but the Phantom is honestly trying to get to know you and figure out if the relationship can work. The Narcissist isn’t concerned about anything other than having his ego stroked.
The Common Themes
To find out if he is into you it best to first try to figure out what type of guy you are dating and then what signals that type of guy gives off that you need to watch out for. Most guys will give similar signals of when they are interested that you can watch for regardless of there type. However, there type will play a role in behavior that may seem confusing.
The key to figuring out if he is really into you is time. You have to allow a significant amount of time to go by so you both can assess whether or not you are right for each other.
It will likely take him a month or so to figure out if he likes you or not.
The Key is Consistency
If he is truly into you he will be consistent with what he wants. He won’t want to hang out a lot and then tell you he needs space or pull away unless something has changed such as you two are fighting a lot, trust issues arise, or some other relationship problem.
Some guys like to dive deep into relationships and spend every minute together. Others really value their personal time and time with their friends so they may want to hang out only a couple times a week. This does not mean he isn’t interested. It just means he values you and these other aspects of his life as well.
The Red Flags
If he is dating other people he is not that interested. If he values his personal time so much that he only wants to hang out less than once a week he is not that interested. If he only wants to meet up very late at night he is likely not that interested.
If he never plans a head he is probably not that interested. I’m not talking about planning a week in advance. That’s a bit unrealistic. But maybe a couple days or even earlier that day to make plans for the night. There is a time and place for the spontaneous request to hang out last minute but if he only ask to hang out at the last minute he is likely not that interested.
There is not way to know for sure how into you he is every time. There are exceptions to every rule. But if you use these guidelines as a rule of thumb you will be much better prepared to make an accurate assessment and not waste you time waiting around for someone who will never be into you.